Epilogue, my story

Epilogue 

I want to start with a short note to tell you a bit about me and of my story. I hope this helps to demonstrate that I'm sincere on what I say. I can't tell everything but few details may help.

I read from a classic respected commentator of Islam, Ibn Kathir the following statement: whatever in the bible agrees with the Qur'an is true. With this in mind, I'd like to start quoting  the following verse from the Qur'an:

"And We ordained laws for him (Moses) in the tablets in all matters, both commanding and explaining all things, (and said): 'Take and hold these with firmness, and enjoin thy people to hold fast by the best in the precepts: soon shall I show you the homes of the wicked,- (How they lie desolate).'" (Quran 7:145)

As a catholic I grew up being told that God measured how good I was through the 10 commandments. It is related in the Torah that these were given as tablets to Moses in Mount Sinai. It is said that the tablets were the only words written by God himself.  I was taught in my catholic school a simplified version of the commandments: 

1. Love God over all things, 

2. Do not use His name in vain, 

3. Sanctify the holidays, 

4. Honor father and mother, 

5. Do not kill, 

6. Do not commit adultery, 

7. Do not steal, 

8. Do not lie, 

9. Do not covet stuff from others,  of your neighbor, 

10. Do not covet your neighbor's wife.

Also, I was told God forgave sins. This was possible only if you confessed them. You would go to the confessionary, the priest would give a penitence. "Pray 10 holy Mary's and 20 Our father's" for example. So I understood that if you sin and you pray you're at balance. I didn't almost ever read from the Bible. Therefore I knew little of what it said.

The failures in businesses lead my parents to be more spiritual. Once, they thought someone was doing witchcraft to my dad; they did a counteract to the spell. It didn't work. They tried becoming devouts to the catholic Divine Child.  They devoutly paid a promise for 9 weeks, visiting the sanctuary and paying alms. It didn't work. They were then invited to a prayer group, and though things didn't change economically, my dad started to be more in peace. They progressively stopped going to mass in the Catholic Church, and attending more and more to Christian Evangelical gatherings.

My dad never obliged me to go to church, my mom would be more talkative and she kept encouraging me to do so. I started going to the Christian evangelical church by conviction. I started to like what I heard there. Albert, the pastor was very knowledgeable about the Bible. Convinced that I should do what is written, I decided to do water baptism. I had been baptized as a baby, but the Bible says baptism is a symbol of a sinner who commits his or her life to God. Baptism is a symbol of the repentance that goes on in your heart. You go in as an old person and you come out as a cleansed one. A new person comes out. That was when I was 16. 

I never really spent time praying. I believed in God, in what was written in the Bible. I tried to be good and not breaking the 10 commandments. However I must confess I wasn't successfull. I would go to the evangelical church on Sundays and that was the only day I'd read the Bible. I only started to pray when my dad was kidnapped. During that time I spent long time in prayer, mainly because only in prayer times I would found consolation from sadness and desperation. God would rock me, and He gave me peace. During the time my dad was kidnapped  I became some sort of spiritual and sentimental pillar for my brother and my mom. I would try to strengthen them in those moments when they felt sad and weak. As for me, God would console me while praying.

Time went by, and after my dad was released, I prayed less and less. Until the moment when I got back to the same old routine of "spiritual Sundays" only. I started working and doing less good things. Then I went to Balikpapan and I became an alcoholic and a compulsive liar. Only when I came to Jakarta, with you, that's when I started going to church again. I was convinced that God existed. I followed what I knew and what had worked well for me in terms of spirituality. I based my spiritual decisions based on what I had experienced on prayer and from the very good advise I learnt from Albert while I attended his small church.

Then we got married, and we moved to Egypt. There you gave me a Qur'an. I read few chapters with little desire to understand. I felt scared at that time while I read it, because I had a legalistic attitude, thinking God would be angry at me if I read The Qur'an. I thought it would bring damnation to me, as I misunderstood what some Bible verses say. In those days I felt a push to read the Bible. There in Egypt I started with the Psalms and the Proverbs, I prayed often and felt close to God again. 

I didn't pray much in public. I do it mostly in the bathroom, or in the office, or in the living room. You may or may not remember this. While we were in Cairo, when Hernando was diagnosed with cancer, during prayer I felt like he was going to be ok. I felt moved to call him to let him know it would be so. I think that was the first time I felt a clear message  during prayer. I know you don't believe this could come from God, but it's part of what I have experienced. 

Then we went to Colombia on February 2008. There we met with Pastor Diego who spoke to us about us receiving a boy gift from God within one year. Then you became pregnant with Dani. He was born in February 2009, that really marked me.

We moved to Jakarta and I kept drinking. I started reading books about heaven and hell. Then one day during prayer I felt like God asked me to look at the first of the Ten Commandments. I realized I didn't love God more than anything. I loved myself over all. Then it occurred the biggest spiritual change in my life. I asked God to forgive me and to help me loving Him above all. Since then I strive as much as I can to put Him above myself and anyone else.

Then came October 2010 and the dreams I told you, the dream while I was in Duri, and the vision of Heaven I had one night in Permata Hijau. I truly believe the purpose of those dreams was to bring good to us and our families. I realized I was an ignorant, for I didn't know the Bible nor the Qur'an. I clinged to the Bible during that time, but most importantly to prayer. Again, you don't believe on this, but somehow many things came to me over prayer. One of the most impressive to me was about your pregnancy with Sasha. Alongside, I read the Bible cover to cover twice and I performed deep studies of specific books in the Bible the year after. I prayed multiple times, for I also read the Qur'an and commentaries, and things were extremely confusing. I had a certain experience, but some point of view from Islam seemed to make sense. 

I many times asked for revelations, dreams, and proofs without doubt to determine what was the truth. God is my witness. In the multiple studies of Islam and Christianity, God lead me to look at things from many points of view. And He showed me things I had never thought about. I discovered prophecies about Christianity in Hebrew language in the Torah. Something like hidden messages to the naked eye, parallel meanings to the text. Now, I always struggled with the idea of Bible corruption as some Muslim apologists claim. Well, those hidden prophecies provided me with proof that christians could not have corrupted the Bible. In fact, there are so many theological truths which Orthodox Jews deny that are found in the original Hebrew of the Old Testament. This is not something commonly used to defend christianity. However for me it was very important. Because, if the Old Testament has been protected by Orthodox Jews, and if they hate Jesus, then why would they include and guard in their texts prophecies which support what christianity preach? I was so astonished, that in doubt I decided to study Hebrew. I needed to know if it was true or if it was my imagination. 

You may think I'm stubborn. You told me that you feel sad because I read the words of men and not the word of God, referring to the Bible. I asked you for seven sessions, to let you know why I think what I think. I want to share with you what I have seen while seriously  studying The Qur'an, the Hadith, the Bible and the Talmud. Many studies I've done looking at Islam, Judaism and Christianity. I've tried to look deeply at Islamic writings... I really hope one day you allow me to show you, I've looked at many many things...

2 months ago I wrote once again to Ustadz Aep. I wanted him to look at one of my studies. I told him to forgive me if I was pushy. I told him people think I'm stubborn. He answered me apologizing, saying he had no time and politely asked me to check with other muslims. 2 weeks after that, one Saturday, while you were taking a shower, I sat on the chair in your walking closet. And I prayed. And I said yet once again, "God the easiest is just converting to Islam". Then I thought, "is it that easy?" You may think I've been unreceptive to islam because of my family, or because of my pride. No. It's because I committed to love God over myself. Besides  our eternity and Dani's and Sasha's is in play.  Because I'm trying to love God over all, I can only do what He shows me to be the truth. Whatever I profess, I'd only do it being completely sure it's true. Please, hear me. Please listen to me. I'll walk you through some of what I have studied. Then you can realize why I am being like this... perhaps then you may tell me what's making me stubborn, what I might be missing.